Six Reasons Why the ACC Sucks (aka week 2)

Ok, as an initial matter, I realize that I didn't manage to post on week 2 before the arrival of week 3, but *technically* I'm posting before the kickoff of the 12:00 games, so that counts, right?!?

Here are the six reasons why the ACC has proven that it sucks most recently:

1. VaTech lost to James Madison 21-16. James Madison is a D-II school most known for binge drinking and student riots. Gotta love the Chokies. The silver lining, of course, is that Boise State has NOTHING to brag about for the rest of the year. Even if they go undefeated. Hey, Boise, your blue field is obnoxious. Almost as obnoxious as creamcicle orange. And quit whining about not getting an automatic BCS bid. You DON'T PLAY ANYBODY ALL YEAR. OF COURSE you get to the end of the season undefeated -- you play high schools all season! Play a season in the SEC and let's see how badly you get OWNED. But I digress.

2. GaTech lost to unranked Kansas 28-25. 'Nuff said. Stick to engineering, Jackets.

3. FSU gets owned by Oklahoma 47-17. I spent 5 years in Tally and maintained that nobody cares how many times you beat Duke. Or Wake Forrest. Or Maryland. You get my drift.

4. Miami gets spanked by Ohio State 36-24. It was tough for me to watch this game because *typically* it would be one of those ones where I cheered for a meteor strike at the stadium, but I'm so tired of how over-inflated Ohio State's ranking is year in and year out that I was actually hoping that the Canes would win. Way to disappoint.

5. UNC gets a good, old-fashioned SEC @$$-whooping at the hands of LSU 30-24. Really, was ANYONE surprised by that? Stick to basketball, Tarheels.

6. The only teams in the ACC that won in week 2 either played actual D-II schools (ahem, Clemson and Maryland), virtual D-II schools (that means you, NC State and BC), or other ACC teams (Wake).

So yeah, ACC = @$$ Clown Conference. Try to deny it. The only team that played an actual opponent and played tough was UVA, who managed to keep SoCal to a meager 17-14 win over the Cavs. Way to keep up with the big boys, Virginia! (I actually DO mean that sincerely -- no sarcasm there!!)

However, as far as the SEC games go, I called it during the USC-UGA game that Marcus Lattimore WILL be a Heisman finalist within a year or two. That kid is SICK! He's like greased lightning! Go Gamecocks!

I was also shocked as all hell that Bama almost shut out Joe Pa. Joe Pa doesn't get shut out. He wins football games. I was confident that Bama would win, but I never imagined we'd keep Penn State scoreless until the 4th! Holy crap I love the Crimson Tide!!! This TOTALLY makes it up to me for having to be a student during the DuBose era and aftermath (what a tool). Can't wait to see what the SEC has in store for me today!!!

2010 Kickoff

Dear, sweet football! You’ve returned to me at long last!! I love you so much. My resolution this year is to try to be more consistent with my posts – PROMISE! (but, let’s face it: gameday festivities will most likely interfere with my consistency at some point in the season, so don’t get your panties in a twist if I don’t keep it up)

So, I’m kicking off this season with the traditional Thursday night Carolina game. You have to appreciate the Gamecocks. They love their football so much they can’t wait until Saturday to get the season going – they want their game and they want it NOW! God love ‘em. It’s early in the 1^st but they’re looking a’ight. Garcia’s put some muscle on during the off season…not looking NEARLY as skinny, and that’s a good thing for any QB facing an SEC defense. Currently, he’s holding his own against So. Miss. (not like it takes much, but still). So. Miss. is playing kinda sloppy, and Carolina’s doing well with a quick-passing game, so hopefully the Gamecocks will put some points on the board soon. They DEFINITELY have the receivers to do it – they’ve got, what, five or so that are over 6’3”??? It’s almost like OBC planned it that way…and HOLY CRAP Garcia just ran it in like he’s Tim Tebow or something! GO GAMECOCKS!!!

One of these days, though, the SEC officiating team might get mics that work, but today ain’t the day. Luckily, I know the signals, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear who most recently flubbed it up! Get with it! They're not THAT expensive!!

Yeah, so I was talking to a guy friend of mine recently about the upcoming season and trying to explain to him the intricacies of adoring college football. He’s into pro ball but not so into college ball (I know, it’s freaky – like a 3-legged chicken). He was having trouble understanding how I can cheer for other SEC teams besides Bama, so I had to break it down for him. Here’s the deal:

1. If an eastern division team is playing a western division team, I cheer for the eastern team because it makes it that much easier for Bama to visit me in the Dome in December if the eastern team wins.
2. Unless it’s Tennessee. Then I cheer for whoever’s playing Tennessee. I will even HAPPILY sing Bada Gedda (sp?) if Auburn’s kicking some Volunteer butt.
3. The caveat to that is that if Tennessee is playing someone attempting to be as obnoxious as Tennessee (many try, all fail), such as Ohio State or Miami or So. Cal. (they are NOT USC. USC is playing ball right now and hails from the Palmetto State), then I cheer for a meteor strike at the stadium.
4. If Ole Miss is playing a superior opponent in the east who could conceivably beat Alabama in the Dome in December (translation: Florida) then I cheer for Ole Miss, because Houston Knutt is entertaining to watch and nobody parties like Ole Miss. Nobody.
5. If Vandy is playing anyone but Alabama, I cheer for Vandy, because it’s Vandy, awwww! Gotta love the smart kids.
6. Rule 5 becomes much more of an emotional dilemma when Vandy plays Ole Miss, but I simply remind myself that Rule 1 remains in effect.
7. If an SEC team is playing a team from any other conference, I cheer for the SEC team because, while some jokers may attempt (in vain) to argue that their conference is better than the SEC, it’s hard to argue with stats.
8. Rules 2 and 3 apply to Rule 7.
9. If an eastern division team is playing an eastern division team, I cheer for whoever has been more entertaining thus far in the season. (Spoiler alert: it’s never Tennessee. Ever.)
10. Being from South Carolina, I am always allowed to cheer for the Gamecocks without being required to justify the same. I am also allowed to be openly amused whenever Kentucky wins, because, well, let’s face it: it’s not basketball.
11. If a western division team is playing a western division team, I cheer for whoever is least likely to challenge Bama for winning the west.
12. If The University of Alabama is playing anyone, I cheer for the Crimson Tide. Even if they play Florida State. Yes, I went to Florida State, but does that change anything? Not a snowball’s chance.
13. If two non-SEC teams are playing each other, it just depends on who’s been more entertaining thus far in the season…and who’s less likely to keep Bama from getting Number 14. (I have a soft spot for Joe Pa, but not on September 11, 2010! And I always cheer for the service academies, because it’s really hard for them to recruit talent, given that it’s guaranteed you don’t get to go pro, so when they win, they work hard for it!)

There. Simple. As many easy little rules as Alabama has National Championships. More rules may be added as The Capstone collects more Waterford crystal footballs, but as of now, we’ll hold it at 13. So I can’t wait for Saturday to roll around!!! Go Gators! Go Dawgs! Hotty Toddy! Go Cats! Go Skyhawks! Go State! War Eagle! Go Hogs! Go Dores! Geaux Tigers! And ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!!!

…in the mean time, I’ll continue cheering on the flagship school from my home state. C’mon Carolina fans! Join me! GAAAAMMMMEEEE!!!!!....

Not Interested in Your Asterisks :-)

For anyone to say that had McCoy played, Texas would have certainly won the game, they CLEARLY weren't watching how the Texas OL couldn't handle Mt. Cody, the rest of the DL or Bama's secondary...or how the Texas WRs couldn't catch (and keep) a pass for most of the night. One man doesn't win a football game -- he's out there with 10 other men who also have jobs to do. And let's be clear: Texas only had to play 2 really tough defenses all season -- Oklahoma and Nebraska -- and they played like crap against both. The simple truth is that Alabama had one of the hardest-hitting, most versatile defenses in the country this season, and that's what won the game.

Moreover, let's not minimize what Gilbert accomplished last night. We're talking about a freshman QB with 26 college pass attempts under his belt going into that game completely cold, and out of the blue, his team throws it all in his lap and asks him to be kind enough to fill McCoy's shoes. Yes, he didn't look so hot in the first half, but YES, he got into a rhythm in the second and actually did his job, even though he was facing a defense notorious for winning the game of Pick-Your-Blitz.

The simple truth is that Bama plays ground-and-pound football -- it's not always pretty, and they're not perfect at it -- and YES, Bama made stupid mistakes (like not covering kickoffs and SWEET JEEBUS, *WHAT* was that fake punt call?!??!!??) -- but those boys did the jobs they were asked to do.

Did Texas? Eh, well....they ran hot and cold. Honestly, EVERYONE knows Bama isn't a passing team. EVERYONE knows Bama's offense is carried on the backs of its RBs (of which we have many stellar choices). EVERYONE knows that if Ingram or Richardson or Upchurch are on the field, we're gonna give the ball to them. Did Texas shut them down? Not consistently. I mean, as much as I love Julio Jones and love that he wears Crimson and White, we've squandered his college career simply because we haven't been good enough at QB to use him. Bama will tell you it's going to run the ball. Believe them when they do.

Did Texas capitalize on key defensive victories? Not like Bama. Texas didn't have its 6'3" 296 pound defensive lineman pick off a botched shovel pass, stiff-arm one opponent and pirouette around two more to run 37 yards into the endzone. Texas didn't sideline Ingram -- the backbone of the Alabama Offense -- with a clean, legal hit so it could further frustrate any offensive Bama had previously planned on running. Texas didn't have its 6'2" 226 pound linebacker blitz McElroy from the blindside to force a turnover on the 3 yard line with 3 minutes left in the game so that its Offense could run it in for a TD.

Much love to Marcell Dareus for channeling his inner Ingram/Arenas, and to Eryk Anders for blitzing like there's no tomorrow when it really matters. Much love to Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson for fighting for every inch of yardage -- even when you've got multiple Longhorns hanging off of you. Much love to our 5th year seniors who stuck it out and rode the highs and lows with the Crimson Nation to walk away at the end of their college careers with a Waterford crystal football tucked under their arms and a ginormous championship ring on their much-deserving hands.

These boys are special. They work as a team -- each man does the job he needs to do so his teammates can do theirs. These boys have given untold blood, sweat and tears and they worked hard for this. This group of boys made The University of Alabama proud and they deserve to wholeheartedly proclaim that they are the National Champions.

So now Alabama has to hear people argue that had Colt McCoy played the entire game, Texas would have beaten Alabama. But Alabama's heard the exact same argument before after winning the Rose Bowl for all the chips -- in 1926 when Alabama was the only team willing to play the (then) juggernaut of Washington, Bama shocked the nation by beating Washington after taking out All-American halfback/linebacker George "Wildcat" Wilson by knocking him unconscious. Washington Head Coach Enoch Bagshaw shook Alabama Head Coach Wallace Wade's hand after the Tide's victory, telling him that on any other day, Washington would've beaten Alabama...to which Coach Wade responded, "We didn't come to play no series!"

At the end of the day, the Crimson Nation isn't interested in your asterisks. A win is a win. The crystal football is going to the Bryant Museum, not the Mike Campbell-Bobby Moses, Jr., Football Trophy Room. That's what it really boils down to.

Week One

Ok, so let me be the first to admit that Bama's win wasn't pretty, but I'll take it. We had no groove for all but the last 10 minutes of the game. I have NO IDEA why Saban kept running the wildcat when CLEARLY our center has issues with the long snap...and by issues, I mean he keeps snapping the ball into his ass. We ran the wildcat, what, like 15 times during the game and it only worked twice?!? Once for a gain of a yard and once for a gain of six. Yeah, Nick. Grrreeeaaattt idea to stick with it.

I'm also completely baffled by Rolando McClain's outburst. I don't care if that Hokie said he'd slept with your momma, you are NOT GOOD ENOUGH to cost the Tide 30 yards with one act. I don't care if you're Joe Namath. Even Broadway Joe would have gotten read the riot act by the Bear for getting 2 personal fouls at one time. Rolando, you're supposed to be a leader for our boys; you KNOW better!! I don't like being mad at you, so knock it off already!!

Regardless of all the nonsense, Bama played well enough to get the W in their column, and I happened to be tailgating with 7 people who happened to make me have more fun tailgating all day than I have since my days at Bama!

SEC EAST:

Well, no shocker that Florida won. They played a D-2 team whose stadium is smaller than my high school's (got some love for the Bucs though, seein' as how it's my hometown and all).

UT. Ugh. I can't wait for Lane Kiffin to play an actual opponent so he can get his ass handed to him. So I'm looking forward to this Saturday (GO BRUINS!!).

Carolina. Yeah, finished watching that game on Thursday -- it wasn't the greatest showing but the Gamecocks had more points when the clock ran out, so woo hoo!! Eric Norwood's gonna be a game-changer for sure! Keep an eye on him...

Georgia. Ouch. I mean, OSU is ranked and all but....damn.

Vandy. Awwww, Vandy. I love Vandy...when they're not playing Bama. But I didn't manage to catch the game, so I don't really have much to say on this one. I'll be cheering for the Commodores this week though!

Kentucky. Kentucky played? Oh yeah, I remember seeing highlights of them beating the snot out of Miami Ohio. Apparently Kentucky plays sports other than basketball. Go figure.

SEC WEST:

So Arkansas beat Missouri State. Yawn. The next 3 weeks for you is gonna be tough though. Get ready!

Auburn, your game was much like Bama's -- not pretty, but you'll take it, right? I still miss Tommy though...

LSU, I'd love to say something about your game, but I was too busy enjoying my tailgating buddies' company at the time to really pay attention to your game. Sorry dude. Don't beat up on Vandy too bad this week, k?

Miss. State. Did you REALLY let Jax State hold you to one touchdown for an entire half of a game?? THEY'RE A D-2 SCHOOL! I mean, I know that you're not like, a contender for winning the west and all, but still...

Ole Miss. Fun times! Maybe I just have a soft spot for Houston Knutt, but I love watching the Rebs play. Can you please teach Bama how to run the wildcat--er, I mean Wild Rebel--since Nick seems hell-bent on incorporating it into our offensive MO??? Pretty please?? Teheheheheh, can I just say how amused I am that you're ranked 6th?!? I can't say I'd hate it if you went all the way this year...

OTHER GAMES:

Shock me, shock me, shock me. Texas beat UL-Monroe. Way to beat up on the little guys.

Oklahoma. Get well soon, Sam! I'm really glad to hear it's not a separated left shoulder and just a sprained AC joint. Still a little shocked that BYU beat the Sooners though...even with Bradford out...wow.

Ok...that's kinda all I can remember at this point from the weekend. The highlight of the weekend was really all of the hilarity at IHOP at 3am. Thank you to Jonathan, Mandy, Jason, Kimberly, Keri and Steven!!! You guys rock!!!

COLLEGE BALL IS BACK!!!

So, I know it's been ages and ages since I last blogged -- it's been a crazy year for sure. I'm blissfully happy right now sitting on the couch with a cold beer in my hand watching Carolina and the Wolfpack open up the 2009/2010 season (go Gamecocks!). I'm excited to see what Greg McElroy will do this year, but disappointed that Bama scheduled nothing but cupcake out-of-conference games this year. How is the Tide going to contend when it doesn't have strength-of-schedule?!?

Oh well. What am I looking forward to this season?

Houston Knutt. That man is going to make the Rebs win more than just tailgates. I'm convinced. Hottie Toddie, Houston!

I hate that MS State let Sylvester Croom slip through their hands -- the man's a good coach, but no matter how good you are, you just can't recruit talent to Starkville, Mississippi (the name is very apropos) with Tuscaloosa a mere 86 miles away, and with the old money at Ole Miss outbidding you left, right and center. However, Dan Mullen definitely accomplished a lot down in the Swamp, so welcome to the West, Danny-boy, I wish you well...except on November 14. I don't wish you well on that day. But on all the others...yeah.

Lane Kiffin continuing to make an ass of himself. LMAO. At least Fat Phil's replacement is entertaining. The man is dumb. Not stupid -- stupid can be taught. There's just no helping dumb. I'm looking forward to more of his diarrhea-of-the-mouth. And beating the snot outta the Vols yet again on the Third Saturday In October.

From the looks of things thus far (just coming back from the half), Steve-o might actually do something with the Gamecocks this year. I mean, let's face it, if he doesn't, he might have to retreat back into the pros to avoid the humiliation. But Carolina's offense is looking hungry, and they're keeping the chains moving, despite what the scoreboard says (which is 7-0 USC at this point). It says a lot that I've been watching this entire game and can't really give you any opinion as to how the defense is looking in their season opener. They just haven't been on the field enough to evaluate them. Spurrier might consider running a few laps with his boys though -- he's put on a little weight since last season...must be all the barbeque from Maurice's....mmmmm, Maurice's! Man, I'm homesick.

Florida and LSU should be good this year, but no shocker there. I'm gonna miss Tommy but am interested to see how Chizik fills those shoes.

I WON'T be looking forward to the foaming-at-the-mouth-blind-irrational-raving-sidewalk-Georgia-fans (good GOD, they're almost as bad as those fools walking around in head-to-toe creamcicle orange cammo). I'm in Atlanta, so naturally, I'm surrounded by them. Doesn't make them any easier to tolerate though. Especially when they talk trash after their team JUST got their ass handed to them on a silver platter. Please don't misunderstand -- the people who actually ATTENDED UGA don't behave that way. It's the ones that have no more affiliation to the team than walking on the sidewalks on campus that get in your face and try to talk trash without any actual FACTS to back them up that annoy the crap outta me. But then I take solace recalling the mass exodus last year with 7 minutes left in the 4th because the Dawgs were so far behind the Tide they couldn't possibly catch up. And then I laugh at them for thinking that coordinating their outfits might actually help their chances of winning. Boy, don't they get their panties in a twist when you throw FACTS in their face....

And naturally, I'm LOVING the thought of another season of CRIMSON TIDE FOOTBALL!!! I'm incredibly stoked that my boys decided to come visit me in the A for their season opener, and will be cheering them on from inside the Dome (hey, if they're coming all the way from T-town just to see me, I can't possibly NOT go to the game). Still working on nabbing a ticket to the Carolina game since my Carolina girls will be headed up to Tuscaloosa (heyyyyyy Dani, Chrissy and Jen!!!), but I've got enough connections, and if necessary, enough money, to get my butt inside Bryant Denny, so I WILL be there. Trust.

Damn. NC State just picked off a pass from Garcia. I gotta get back to cheering on Carolina! And that was a BULLSHIT call on Carolina!! Pass interference MY ASS! Ok, I'll write more later, but right now I have to make sure my boys from my home state don't let some ACC joke make the SEC look bad...

ROLL TIDE!!!! BRING ON SOME 2009 FOOTBALL!!!

41-30

I'm thinking that next time, instead of gathering the team to vote on what color clothes you'll wear, Georgia would be better served running a few extra drills on the practice field. Honestly, UGA has some of the most dedicated fans in the SEC -- you don't need to coordinate your outfits to get everyone pumped for the game.

I was lucky enough to make it up to Athens yesterday, and thanks to Kim's getting us free rides to where we needed to go, and Amber's superior negotiating skills, not only did I have a fabulous time, but I also got my ticket for only $80.00! We couldn't get 5 all together, so we bought what we could and ended up sitting in the student endzone (kind of a hostile place for anyone decked out in Crimson and White, but other than one or two bad seeds, I was actually not treated all too poorly).

As excellent as my Tide (yes, they're mine, but don't worry, I'll share them with whomever wants to join me) played the first half, I was a little disappointed to see Georgia's first half performance. Don't get me wrong, I wanted Bama to win and win big, but I wanted them to do it by beating one of the best teams in the country while that team was playing its best. But Stafford's timing was off. Knowshon didn't get to work his magic as much as we're used to him doing. The D-Line just didn't seem to be as quick as normal. I would never in a million years have bet you that the score would be 31-0 at the half.

The second half was more along the lines of what I was expecting yesterday. Georgia showed up. They were quick, smart and hard-hitting. Stafford still had some timing issues (but just for the record, I don't think it was intentional grounding either -- exactly how far out of the pocket do you want the kid to go before he can throw it away?!? He was 5 yards from the freakin' sideline for crying out loud), but they started getting points on the board, and the whole stadium seemed to regain some of its energy. However, as much as I hate to do it after a loss to a team I respect, I have to take the Georgia fans to task for this:



Mass exodus with 7 minutes remaining in the 4th. Georgia, c'mon, you're not Miami. Stop it. Despite this rather obvious display of lack of support from the fans in the stadium, the Dawgs actually did turn up the volume in the last 4 minutes and make a couple touchdowns. I almost wish it was a closer game, because I take a lot of pride seeing so many SEC teams in the top 25...but then again, what with Florida's shenanigans yesterday, I'm not so sure the SEC is going to elbow in on the top 10 as much as it did earlier in the season.

On a different note though, I'd like to give Bama's offensive line a ton of credit for playing smart, clean football. Those boys blocked well and kept those yellow flags in the waistband of the officials, and you just can't ask more from them. Lots of kudos should also go to Bama's defense for reading the offense so well and disrupting so many passes. Pre-season, I called it for Bama at 7-5. So far, I'm being pleasantly proven wrong. I sincerely hope it continues. I hope my boys make me look like I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm elated that Saban isn't earning quite as much per win this year as last. I love his strategy in trying to make the team come back after the half like there's no score on the board (which, let's be honest, is Bama's biggest pitfall, the whole not coming back to play after halftime). It might be too much to hope for that I can justify spending a ridiculous amount of money on memorabilia pursuant to College Football Fan Rule 45 come January, but hey, a girl can dream, right?

Courtesy of Ben

THE 57 COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAN RULES:

Let's face it: Life requires rules. Precepts to live by, laws to abide by, dictums to follow, lest civilization devolve into a Hobbesian state of nature, "Lord of the Flies," with all of us grasping for the conch and no one agreeing if it takes one or both feet inbounds for a sideline catch to count.

College football fandom is no different.

AP Photo

If you win the whole damn thing you can pretty much do what you want. Well, almost anything.

Is it OK to root for two schools? Is it ever OK to root for a rival? As a fan, how many Freedom of Information Act requests can I file before it seems creepy? Such are the questions that try boosters' souls. But fear not: Page 2 is here to help.

After months of careful deliberation and a two-week retreat to the College Football Hall of Fame, Page 2 has compiled a list of 57 rules for college football fandom. Learn them. Love them. But we need 100 rules, so please use the conversation pages to help us fill out the list. We'll add the best of your suggestions to Page 2's official list. Step out of the confusing darkness, and into clarity's* sweet light…

* Note: Clarity does not apply to BCS debates

I. ALLEGIANCES, OR WHO YA GOT?

1. As a fan, you have to pick a school, one school, same as if you were filling out applications to, you know, go to school there. You may not be a fan of a conference, teams from a specific state, "West Coast football" or college football in general. Nobody is a fan of college football in general, not even Lee Corso. Nor may you root for Harvard and Yale, any more than you could matriculate at both places, unless you're really, really smart, in which case you're probably building prototype military surveillance nanobots in your MIT dorm room, and/or devising a computerized ranking system* to shame Jeff Sagarin.

* Note: In scenario No. 2, you are allowed to root for the spread. Just make sure Skynet never becomes self-aware

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The trendy team? Only if you went there, or someone you married did.

1a. Under extenuating circumstances, however, you may have up to three Division I-A rooting allegiances, so long as the schools meet the following criteria:

(a) Your birthplace/family school – especially if an inheritance is at stake, or if a campus library bears your last name.
(b) Al(most)ma mater – the school you transferred from.
(c) The school that actually handed you a diploma. Or would have, if you hadn't finished three credits short.
(d) Your spouse's school, especially if the program is vastly superior to your own, or your spouse cares waaaay more than you do, in which case: good call on getting married!
(e) You're a bandwagon-jumping, low-self-esteem weenie and scurry from Notre Dame to Miami to Ohio State to USC to Boise State depending on the year, the polls and the amount of water flooding into the ship.

If you can't be true to a school, at least be true to your own weaselly nature.

2. Your schools of allegiance must be in different conferences. Unless the conference in question is the ACC, in which case you may root for Duke and anyone else, since the Blue Devils might as well play in another conference – like, say, the Patriot League.

3. If your schools of allegiance ever play each other, you must pick one to root for, before the game, and put your preference in writing, ALL CAPS, preferably in blood. No sitting on the fence, no qualified endorsements, no switching sides at halftime, and especially none of this:

4. If you attended a lower-division or NAIA school, you're allowed to pick a D-I school of your choice. But you must consistently root for that school year in and year out, and it's preferred that the school be geographically close to you.

4a. Or you can just root for Appalachian State every week.

4b. Notre Dame? How very original.

5. You may not bet against your favorite team unless you're: (a) trying to purge it of a rotten coach; (b) in Vegas and about to sell bodily fluids or organs to cover your previous losses (thanks, Michigan!); (c) looking at a huge spread and you think your team will win but not cover, probably 'cause its coached by Phil Fulmer.

6. You may use the Freedom of Information Act once per decade on your favorite team. This is America , after all.

7. Unlimited use of the Freedom of Information Act is permitted for your rival schools. America: [Expletive] Yeah!

8. If a team from your conference makes the BCS title game and is a sworn rival, you cannot root for that team. Not now. Not ever. Not even if under duress, gunpoint or waterboarding in an Eastern European black site CIA detention center.

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Movie-based trash talk is always welcome.

8a. Michigan fans should not have been rooting for Ohio State in the national title game. That's just wrong. And, frankly, a little sick.

9. You are allowed to root freely against the following schools for no specific reasons: Notre Dame; Notre Dame in their puke-green jerseys; Notre Dame when playing on "Triumph of the Will"-shaming propaganda house organ NBC; USC; any school that plays its fight song approximately 4,387 times per game like USC; Michigan; Miami; Ohio State; any school like Ohio State with a pretentious "the" in front of its name, because otherwise how would we know which Ohio State university they were talking about?; any school coached by Steve Spurrier; any school coached by Nick Saban.

II. ATTIRE, OR WHAT TO WEAR

10. Please observe the following age limits on male attire:

WireImage.com

Kudos to these Longhorns fans: Shirtless but wearing body paint.

• 25-and-under: Team jersey or shirtless (body paint mandatory)
• 26-35: T-shirt, jersey, shirtless if you work out at least three times per week and/or have a BMI reading of less than "morbidly obese"
• 36-50: Polo shirt
• 51-75: Sweater vest with polo shirt underneath; sweatshirt from bowl victory two decades ago
• 75-over: Shirtless, alcoholic steam rising from graying chest hair

11. Please observe the following age limits on female attire: • 25-and-under: Baby-doll tank top, or sports bra if spelling out letter with body paint; cowboy hats; short shorts with team nickname on rear; nothing but a letter of intent and a smile (recruiting hostesses only)
• 26-35: T-shirt, jersey or sweatshirt
• 36-50: Any outfit accented by bead-heavy team necklace
• 51-75: Any outfit accented by glittery hat or electric glasses
• 75-over: Hair must be dyed school colors; polyester pants to match.

12. If your team changes its uniform, go ahead and buy the new jersey – as long as it's on your parents' credit card.

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Politically correct? Come on! This is college football!

13. University of Oregon fans are exempt from all jersey-wearing rules.

13a. When using crayons, University of Oregon fans also are exempt from having to color within the lines.

13b. University of Oregon fans are permitted to put on a jersey, look in the mirror and procl.. My god, it's full of stars.

13c. University of Oregon fans wearing jerseys may qualify for federal Superfund status. Contact the EPA.

14. Team hats should never contain more animal hair than the family pet.

14a. Unless you're a Tennessee fan.

15. If you weigh less than 150 pounds, you can spell out only the following letters when shirtless and wearing body paint: I, L, T.

15a. If you weigh more than 275 pounds, you can spell out only the following letters when shirtless and wearing body paint: O, W, M.

15b. If you're a hot coed, paint yourself with Chinese characters for all we care

16. Southern frat boys not wearing khakis and a tie to the game must forfeit one bourbon and Coke.

16a. Southern fans wearing team-colored seersucker suits with matching bow ties drink free for the season.

17. Midwestern adults not wearing jersey of favorite white player to the game are penalized one Old Style.

18. Los Angeles fans really ought to have a tan.

19. "COCKS" hats? Good one, brah!

20. "Property of School Athletic Department" sweatshirts are acceptable, but they work best as an ironic comment on the state of student-athletes.

III. LIFESTYLE, OR WHY DID I EVER THINK GRADUATION WAS A GOOD IDEA?
21. You must know the rules of beer pong. Even if you're "retired."

21a. Dude, no one ever retires from beer pong.

22. You must be willing and able to sing the school fight song at any moment, in any location, under any circumstances.

22a. You must be able to remember the always-forgotten second/third verse of the school fight song, but only when utterly intoxicated.

23. You may have a school license plate if you are not an alum, but only if your car horn also plays the school fight song.

24. It is OK to deny the existence of your school's male cheerleaders.

24a. Even if they someday become president.

AP Photo

It is against any and all rules to dis the USC song girls.

25. It is never OK to deny the hotness of the USC song girls.

25a. Not even if you attend UCLA.

26. Please observe the following age guidelines on appropriate thoughts to have while ogling the USC song girls:

• 11-15: What is this strange tingling feeling?
• 16-18: College is going to be awesome.
• 18-24: Damn, I wish she'd wear that skirt to sociology class.
• 25-35: College was awesome.
• 36-50: Damn, I wish she'd wear a burka or something. That could be my baby daughter!
• 51-75: Gee, what a lovely young lady. I hope she meets a nice boy.
• 75-over: What is this strange tingling feeling? Do I have to go to the bathroom again?

27. You are allowed to start tailgating six hours before kickoff.

27a. If you want to remember the game, do not drink heavily during those six hours.

27b. Four hours of drinking is more reasonable.

28. Always yield to the rich alumni driving the decked-out Winnebagos.

28a. They mix the best drinks.

28b. And they might be hiring you in six months.

29. If you have a TV at your tailgate, you must expect and allow other fans to congregate around your area and sneak a peek. Share your bounty!

29a. Especially if Notre Dame is on and is getting its golden little teeth kicked in by Georgia Tech.

30. If tailgating at South Carolina and there are more than six people present, one must be wearing a real, stuffed gamecock on his/her head.

30a. Sorry, PETA.

AP Photo

If anyone has an extra jaguar, Southern is looking for a new one. (Sorry PETA.)

31. You must leave your tailgate at least 20 minutes before kickoff and be in your seat for the national anthem.

31a. Unless you're getting digits.

32. Never leave a game early, unless: (a) it's a blowout and there's a great game just starting on TV; (b) it's time to use those digits.

33. When arguing with fans from another conference, you are allowed to cite the accomplishments of rival schools within your conference.

33a. Grudgingly.

34. You must have at least two bobbleheads or stuffed animals on your office desk, or a combination of one bobblehead and one stuffed animal.

34a. No refrigerator schedule magnet? Then the terrorists have already won.

35. If your significant other went to a rival school, no sex on rivalry game day.

35a. If your significant other went to a rival school, all wagers should involve sex.

35b. If rule 35a is in effect, waive rule 35.

36. You must buy a letterman's jacket to display the letter you won in band.

36a. You must not write Page 2 to explain how band members are really athletes.

AP Photo

Friends don't let friends date body painters.

37. (For men): Never hit on a woman while wearing face paint.

37a. (For men): Always hit on a woman who is wearing face paint.

38. (For women): Never hit on a man spelling out the following letters in body paint: O, W, M.

39. Anyone who calls Division I-AA by the new name "Division I Football Championship Subdivision" must receive one punch directly to the throat.

39a. If you are giving the punch, remember: This hurts you more than it hurts them.

40. You must make at least one road trip while in college without tickets or a hotel room lined up ahead of time.

40a. Bonus points if you spend the night in a sorority house.

40b. Double bonus points if you spend the night in a sorority house wearing nothing but a stuffed gamecock on your head.

IV. GLOATING, OR WHY ANYONE BOTHERS TO BE A FAN IN THE FIRST PLACE

41. Observe the following statutes of limitations:

(a) Bragging about national title: 25 years
(b) Bragging about a top-five finish: 15 years
(c) Bragging about a top-five finish if you are Ohio State, USC, Florida , Miami, Tennessee, Michigan, Florida State, Texas, Oklahoma: 0 years
(d) Bragging about a BCS bowl win: 10 years
(e) Bragging about a blowout BCS bowl win over Notre Dame: one year, or until someone else joins the club
(f) Bragging about Heisman winner: 10 years
(g) Bragging about Heisman winners whose last names rhyme with "Baretta": six months
(h) Bragging about Heisman winners named "O.J.": null
(i) Bragging about a big upset of your rival: Five years on a daily basis, for eternity at least twice a year
(j) Bragging about a victory, any victory: Two years*

* Note: Applies to Duke only

42. You must never be proud of your 6-5 bowl team.

42a. Unless, of course, it's Duke.

AP Photo

Uh-oh, Notre Dame ... here comes Navy!

43. You must always overestimate the strength of your favorite team's conference.

43a. You must always overestimate the strength of those plucky service academies, if your favorite team is Notre Dame.

44. You must cheer at the stadium when the public-address announcer reveals that your rival school is losing.

44a. You must let out an "oooooooh" when the public address announcer alerts you to an upset in progress.

44b. You must let out an "ooooooh … ahhhhhhh!" when the public address announcer alerts you to an upset in progress involving your rival school.

45. If your team wins the national championship, you are allowed to spend $1,000 on commemorative items with absolutely no questions asked.

45a. No questions means no questions, not even about the leather hardbound Sports Illustrated just-add-water Chia book.

46. You must change the bumper stickers on your car every five years.

46a. Note: Please remove the "1985 Orange Bowl champs" sticker immediately.

V. TAUNTING, OR THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN GLOATING

47. Always assume that your league rivals are cheating. Always assume your school's great kids epitomize throwback student-athletes, with footballs under one arm and textbooks under the other.

47a. Pay no attention to the fact that said textbooks are for: (a) physical education; (b) sociology; (c) theory of football; (d) theory of ballroom dancing.

48. If you root for an SEC school, you are not allowed to act sanctimonious when a rival conference program is busted for academic fraud, dirty recruiting or any other NCAA rules violation. Instead, give thanks for your see-no-evil compliance department.

48a. You are, however, allowed to snicker.

48b. You may also file a FOIA request.

49. Feel free to spread a rumor that your rival's head coach is having an affair. You heard it from a very reliable source at a frat party.

50. You must always deny – with great conviction – that there are patsies on your favorite team's schedule when attacking the schedules of rivals. Youngstown State is a formidable opponent! And there are no American tanks at the Baghdad airport!

51. Never call to taunt a rival fan when the game is still in progress, unless your team holds a lead of 28 points or more in the second half.

51a. A snarky text message works fine.

52. Never answer the phone after your team loses a big game.

52a. Better still, unplug your phone.

52b. Even better still, throw your phone out the window. Then run it over.

AP Photo

And always be willing to take your I-AA medicine.

53. Never skip work the following Monday after your team loses a big game. Take your medicine like a real fan.

54. If you get on the message boards and/or call talk radio demanding that the coach be fired after your team loses the opener, you must stick with it and continue to pay the domain registration fee for FireLloydCarr.com for the next five years.

54a. Even when they turn it around and go 11-1.

54b. Or when Carr is fired.

55. Statute of limitations on ripping Lee Corso for not putting on the headgear of your team, and then having the nerve to pick the other guys instead: one year.

56. You are allowed one e-mail per season to a media outlet – local or national – bitterly complaining about the lack of respect for your school and the obvious media bias against your conference.

56a. More than one such e-mail makes you a paranoid crybaby.

56b. If you're a Pac-10 fan, just shut up already.

57. Do not call the opposing punter a wuss from the safety of the stands. He's probably tougher than you are. And if he's from Northern Colorado, he might have to cut you.

57a. Besides, throwing a ziplock bag of urine works much better.